Figuring out life

Having no feelings

At the minute I do not feel, I can not empathise with anyone.

As it is coming up to Christmas I should be getting excited about it but instead I am dreading it, because it will be my last Christmas with both my kids under one roof, yes I know they will still come round and what not but it is not going to be the same.

I should feel in the Christmas mood but I am not, I still have not put my tree up and nor do I want tobut I will at some point because it is Christmas.

I do not feel joy or happiness I do not feel anything right now I can not explain what is going on with me right now, all I know is that I want to sleep and I want to be left alone, to hibernate for the winter and ope that when I wake I feel somewhat ok.

I can not feel anything for anyone right now, I have forgotten how to, I have forgotten what it is like to feel anything for anyone, I have let so many people down that it has comsumed me in to a pit that I can not get out of.

I do not want pitty or to feel like I am a burden to anyone, how can I love when I do not even love myself? How can I be happy for someone when I do not feel happy for myself? How am I suppose to support someone when I can not support myself?

Everything I do or say is going to be the wrong thing anyway so why make the effort? Maybe I do need to see someone maybe I do not but right now I am hollow and empty, running on the last fumes I have left.

Everything is just blending into one day and night, night and day, not really eating because I do not feel hungry but eating just keep everyone off my back, not really messaging anyone because it is better to be silent than have to explain what I am doing or thinking or feeling.

Everything is to much to deal with, everything is to much hard work.

One thought on “Having no feelings

  1. I’m so sorry you’re going through this 😦 is it possible that you’re being hit with a seasonal depression? I get seasonal depression in December and some days I have to curl up and cry for no reason.

    Liked by 1 person

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