Now I know that this is not normally what I would do but today I was writing a future blog and came to the realisation that I am grieving.
Not grieving over a death but grieving over loss of people, animals, items. I have never had a let out of this grief until now. It hurts, it cuts you so deep that you are left feeling powerless and vulnerable. All your walls come crashing wether you want them to or not because everything is just too much.
The people that should of been in my life but never were, the people that should not of been in my life but were. And the ones that just past through but made a big impact, the ones that stayed but made no impact. For the children that I should of had but do not and for the children that are but do not want me in theirs. Loss does not have to be the death or passing of someone. Grief is the loss. Loss of someone been in your life but not staying. Loss is the wanting of something but never been able to have. Loss can come in all shapes and sizes and for many different things.
My Grief started when I was 3 and half years old and my parents spilt, my first loss my dad. A silly as this one is going to sound but when my brothers were born. Why? Because my mum and step dad were happy and we was an ok family. Me and my sister was treated like princesses and then my brothers came along and we got pushed aside, my second grief. Then, it was just one thing after another after that of loss. Even having no chocolate or food/liquids in general can be a sense of loss.
My main loss for me is losing myself along the way. I am grieving for her because she was a good person, a person who would do anything and everything for anyone no matter. For her smile, her laugh, her strength, her just being her. Her knowing what she truly wanted with life and having dreams that were so big that they would of turned the world or so she thought at the time. She wanted to help those that could not help themselves but instead got took advantage of and turned into a wreck on the floor who thought she could not coupe or deal with anything without someone guiding her.
I grief for that brave little girl who is still there but who is lost and is finding it hard every day to find her way back. Grieving is the tears rolling down your face and feeling numb. It is feeling everything and nothing all at once. It is like been on stage and you give the best performance of your life but noone is there to see it. It is like having the game of your life and everyone see the one mistake instead of all the other stuff you did that actually mattered. It is like been with your soulmate and feeling the love but been empty. Grief is not just tears but it can be any emotion. It is ok to feel these and it is ok let them out in a safe way for yourself and others to see.
I have always said that I can not sympathise with someone who has lost, because I have never lost anyone. That is now a lie because I have lost someone and that someone is me. Sometime grief happens as soon as the event has happened and other times it is delayed and everything comes bubbling all at once and it can be overwhelming to say the least but do not be afraid of it let it flow and feel what you need to feel because you can not move forward till you do. Yes it is is always going to be there and yes there will be times it will still hurt as much as the day, but that is ok, feel it and acknowledge it and let it be what it is, grief.
What have you lost that you have grieved over? No matter how small that maybe.