Figuring out life

2nd week of November

Why do relationships feel to much when you are not feeling yourself?

This week I have found it really hard to connect with my partner. For a number of reasons, really.

I feel like he does not see me the same way he used to, that he does not feel the same as he used towards me. I remember a time when we was the centre of each others world and nothing and no one else mattered. We did not care about showing affection in public towards each other and would be like kids. We both enjoyed the chase and the thrill, the excitement, the lust, love, need, want, that animal prowl and the chemistry, oh wow the chemistry. That was out of this world.

No matter what life throwed at us we would shrug it off and nothing would penetrate our bubble we had made. We were blissfully happy, and I could not of been any happier if I tried. The way he would make me feel I would reciprocate that and give him it back ten fold. I would of done anything for him, I would of walk to the end of Hell for him, gave him my last breathe, what ever he wanted I would of gave him.

He had all of me there was nothing I would hide from him nothing. He knew the deepest darkest part of me and still loved me for who I was because of how I made him feel. But, that was because of how he made me feel. We did everything together, we went everywhere together and we have had the best adventures I could of ever dreamed off. He has every part of me.

Lately though I have been feeling like I have become to much of burden, like he would rather be a lone with himself and keep him self locked away. Now, I know how this feels because I have felt it everyday of my life. But how can you be open with someone who can not be open and honest with themselves? How are you supposed to support someone and give them your all when you no longer receive? How can you talk to the one person who is supposed to have your back? When you do not know where you stand.

I know I have not been the best person and I know that we all lose our way sometimes and sometimes some of us do not come back from it and we are either a different person completely or we become a better or worse version of our former selves.

This is hard for me to write and it is going to be even harder for the person I am talking about to read this.

I have lost my best friend, my soulmate, my partner in crime, my forever, sometime 2 years ago. I have done nothing but grieve for this person, who is still in my life but not the same person he was when we got together and neither am I. We have both changed and I feel we are both struggling with the change of each other because I know I am and in a big way. I no longer know what is wanted or needed from me in this relationship anymore because I feel that anything I do is not good enough and that I am constantly letting him down. But I also get let down by him regularly. Simple things really that have just built up over time, but that meant a lot to me. Like when he would come home after he had his son for the weekend just so he could spend that one night with me before working away for the week. The random nights that he would try to steal through the week to come home and surprise me. The out of the blue I Love You calls and then hang up. The random texts messages that would be naughty but make me smile from ear to ear. The grabbing me in a public place and kissing me so deeply that it was like there was no one else but us on this earth. The list is endless but you get what I mean.

I would say it started wen I got diagnosed with serve depression and anxiety . He came to any appointments with me because I wanted him to be by my side and he wanted to be there for me no matter what and knowing I had his support through this journey I was taking did not make feel as scary and intimidating. Then he applied for his dream job with my full support. At first he did not get accepted and even though I was going through a whirl wind I still supported him because he was there for me when I needed someone the most. Then he got a phone call and got offered the job and I was over the moon for him, and excited because this is what he has wanted to do all his life was work for this company. We discussed this opportunity in great length and he was doubting wether we would be strong enough because of what I was going through and I said of course we will be as long as we still keep the connection we have we will survive. Things did not change much just the phone calls were fewer than they used be but I was expecting that because after all it was a new job and he needed to concentrate on what was expected of him in that roll. Gradually everything changed but we both got into a routine and things was getting back to a happy medium with us again. But then something changed suddenly and I did not know what to do or how to react, and I felt my world crashing I would try to talk to him about everything that was going on but he would shut down and then he ended it between us. And it broke me, broke me like I have never been broken before. The one person I truly let in and I mean completely and truly let in, shattered me into a million pieces. And it still hurts just as much today as it did then.

Now I have wrote a blog on grief a few weeks ago and this is what made me write it because I am grieving and even though we have changed I am not sure if it the change either of us was wanting. Sometimes we are on the same page and other times we are in completely different books. I know I am changing, and I do not know who or what I am changing to and I know it is going to be a long process because of the courses I am doing and not knowing who I am really.

It is amazing how one life event can change everything. The way you feel, think, react, and say things to someone. How their actions make you question whether it is meant to be or not. Wanting and needing that connection that you both had in the beginning but not knowing how to get back there. Like you both are stuck. Like you both are afraid of what might happen if you spoke about it. Like will it end everything or will it make us stronger? Could we talk about everything again and not feel judged? Feel like we are both been listened to again by each other? Both wanting that deep connection but afraid. I know we can get the connection back between us, because I know I have been trying for the last few weeks. Telling him everything again and trying to understand were he has been coming from also but it still feels like there is something.

What that something is I do not know and only time will tell what that something may be.

This blog is not just about partners though it is also about other people you have a connection with. Why is that connection no longer there? What happened for you both to feel the distance? Can you rebuild the bridge that connected you both? Who broke away first? What changed?

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