Figuring out life

The month of April

Well this is the month of my birthday and I turn the big 40!!

Not sure how this is making me feel as I have had a lot going on through my life and if you have been reading my blogs you will know that my 30’s have been a rough time for me with my mental health and other things like operations and my health in general. I feel like the older I get the worse they are becoming. I am constantly trying to keep myself busy with sorting my Journal that I am making, college, and been a volunteer for shout. I am finding the college a bit hard at the minute because every trigger is been set off with having to relate theories to myself and I am at a loss with this because there are so many and trying to find the ones that are helpful are becoming a bit to much for me to deal with but I know that once I get through this I am hoping that I am able to recognise a lot about myself. Been a shout volunteer has it’s up and downs and sometimes I think I am been more of a hindrance than helping but my team say that I am doing everything right. My journal has taken a back seat for the time being as I have got the drawings to do and put them into the journal which is proving hard right now because I am wanting to do all of my own designs and what I am finding useful that could help others too.

I have also taken I step back from posting blogs weekly and have been doing them monthly but in all honesty I am missing doing the weekly blogs but my time is so little at the minute that I do not have the time to post weekly, as it is too much for me to deal with. My mind is going on a whirl wind with everything. My head feels groggy and my body doesn’t want to do what I want it too anymore even though I am trying to keep mobile. My back seems to be getting worse with every movement and going to the gym seems to sometimes help and other days they don’t. I also have another consultation in july as I have a prolapsed bladder and I do not know what this is going to mean. Will they operate to fix it or will they just see how it goes. The reason for this is because somedays I can hold my wee and other days I am bursting but will only release a couple of drops. It is frustrating and annoying because I am now having to wear pads so I do not leak every where.

I feel that this month is just one big reflection on everything going wrong instead of what is going right, right now. My relationship with my partner is good at the moment but I think that is because we are talking more and helping each other also. There are still some days were things can get a bit to much for me and that is ok for me to feel that way as I am on a journey that is helping me re-discover myself and what I want to do for the rest of what life I have left. I do not seem to get much enjoyment from the little things anymore and finding that somedays even the smallest of tasks can be quite daunting but I push through them. Life should get better right in your 40’s?

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