1st week of June

Has been a weird week this week. I have found a few root causes to some of my anxiety and depression I have and it has been a bit of a game changer to be honest.

As I am learning more about myself through this course I am doing it is becoming clear to me on what my life goals are and what I need to do, to be able to make them happen. First though I have to put somethings in order with myself before I can fully move on and this is going to be a big task to do and a lot of fear facing also.

I am trying to be more organised with my life and house but summer is just around the corner and I want to go so many places but I know I need to sort money side of things out first. It is hard though when you have weekends away, birthdays, and trying to save so you can do those things is pretty hard to do when your not in that frame of mind to do so.

I have also not really done my review for college this week because I just can not get my head in the game of it. When I have sat down to do it, it is like I am just writing a load of jibber jabber and I keep getting pulled up on my grammar and punctuation, which is annoy the poo out of me. I feel like the tutor just does not have the time of day to actually help me and seems to pick on every flaw or fault I make. I have tried to ignore it but now it is becoming an elephant in the room. I know I am not reading to much into really because of how she is in the classroom and if someone is wanting help she will gladly guide them and when I ask I get everything is on the teams and you can get that information from there and use your logbook to guide you. It is so frustrating and demoralising and it makes me feel like I am back at school. Like they think I am super smart or dumb and just do not have the time to reassure I am on the right track.

I still have not seen my granddaughter yet and she will be 3 weeks old this week. When I text I am getting very few replies or will be waiting hours sometimes days for a reply. I am at the stage that I really do not want to chase people for their attention, especially my kids. When I look at mine and my mums relationship we was close when I was growing up, until certain events happened, and it changed everything. But I still at least made an effort with her.

When I think about it though I have always done the chasing for people, I have always tried too hard to keep people in my life when they did not want to be, and I know this is because i have that fear of been alone. I am done with everything at the minute. Might have a few days away from everything and forget who I am, because right now everything is getting too much for me to handle.

Sleep seems to come and go when it wants to and the bad dreams are starting up again. I just do not feel like I have got my s**t together right now. Too many raw feelings too many memories to deal with, just too much of everything.

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