2nd week June

This week started off really good. I spent some quality time with my partner which was very much needed. once he went back to work though I have not slept very good at all this week. I also had my second jab and I have been fine with both of them so that is plus.

Because I have not been sleeping very well, I also have not really eaten properly because my body clock is out of whack, but I am drinking plenty so thats all good, I suppose. Also did my first youtube video for our vanlife weekends away, which was a fun learning curve to do. Was harder than I thought it was going to be but I think I did ok.

I am still taking my tablets and going to sleep ok but then I will wake up about 2/3 hours later and be awake for the rest of the night. I am not overthinking anything and I am not really stressing about anything either, but I am having weird dreams of were I am in a room and it is dark, there is a voice that is deep but I can not make the words out. Sometimes there are lots of people in this dark room with me other times I am alone and then other times it is like I am watching TV of my life and seeing everything I do not want to see and things happening that I do not want to happen. Sometimes they can be very sexual and very intense. I wake up feeling cold but yet sweating from either of the dreams and feel like I have someone hovering over my skin.

I was reading something somewhere the other day about someone wanting to kill themselves but not actually doing it because of reasons to stay alive and I sat there and thought I have always felt like that but never said it out loud or to anyone and it was like reading what I was thinking as if I had actually wrote it and it freaked me out a little. As it was like someone was pulling all these thoughts out of my head onto this piece of written work for all to see.

I find it hard to actually write what is going on in my head sometimes because of fear. I know I need to actually speak about them but I know there are some who would not like what I would say if I was to write what I was thinking and that is the fear I have to face and it is harder to deal with than what I want to say. Some people I can be brutally honest to and not hide who I am from them, and then there are others that I would rather go lock myself into a box and hide than rather say anything to them. I have so many fears that even though I am dealing with each one when I am ready to, it still does not make it any easier when I do.

Was supposed to see my daughter and granddaughter this week but I had my jab the same day I was meeting them and did not want to drive with how I felt after it last time (server headache and disoriented), just did not want to take that chance. I asked if we could rearrange and waited nearly 24 hours before I got a reply from her and then to be told “will have to see what my partner is working next week”. What has annoyed me and proper ticked me off more than anything is she wants to meet somewhere mutual but yet my mother can know where she lives and go see the baby anytime she wants to. This I still find hard to swallow, how much more hurt do my kids want to put me through?

The rage I have building inside of me because of what is going on is getting to be unbearable and I am at the stage where I just feel like telling everyone to just f**k off and leave me alone that way I can not be hurt anymore if I do get hurt it will be down to me because I would not have anyone else. What is the point of trying when the other person does not try?

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