2nd week of October

This week Has started off very emotional.

Went to college as normal this Monday morning only to come to an agreement with my tutor that i will be restarting my level 3 in February. This was very emotional and hard for me to do as I was getting back into the swing of things with college. But I suppose my health has to take priority and it is not like I am not going to be doing from scratch when I go back.

Now that I have been sent home I am now out of sorts and feeling very raw and emotional about everything. It is going to suck because my partner is not going to be taking me to the hospital and wont be there when I come too either.

If this is going to be last blog, then I better make it count really hadn’t I??

To my kids that are absent in my life because that is what they are choosing and I am respecting that. I hope that you have a really good life and that you get to everything you wanted and from it. Life is too short to sit and wait around for an opportunities to present themselves to you, go out there and get them. I love you both more than anything and that will never change not now or ever. To my granddaughter I know I will never get to be part of your life like I want to but just know that I love you and that never let anyone dull your sparkle and to be who you love, do not let anyone or anything tell you, you can not do something because where there is a will there is always a way. I will love you all and be there for you now and forever never forget that.

To my partner, life has thrown us some amazing opportunities and we have made some amazing memories, I have never known love like the way you love me, and even though it has not always be plain sailing and we have had some major life things happen, we have never stopped showing each other how much the other person means. At times you have really annoyed me and vice versa and have needed space from you because you have just been in your own world and just a spoilt brat at times and dealing with what ever you have had to deal with and for some unknown reason wanted to do it by yourself, but I have never stopped been there for you I have never stopped loving you and I will continue to do so in the next life also.

To my parents who have done nothing but be an heart ache and a disappointment, why because when I have needed parents you both have not been there like parents should have. Mother you haven’t done a bad job at raising me but you somehow always like to make about yourself when I have gone through something. Also, I am not like you and never have been and never will be, I am my own person, the only thing that I can fault you is been two faced and stopping us from seeing extended family even though you say you wasn’t. Father, you should of, made more of an effort. I wish I could put more of a happier spin on this but I can not because I am the eldest and should know better. I now know that with the changing of the times how I have been brought up did not do me much harm as it has for some but I know that I have learned a lot from it also.

To my mother-in-law thank you for been the best person in my life who has been there when I have been at my lowest and has not judged any part of my life and who sees me and hears me, there should be more people like you in this world. Even if you are nosy laughing out loud.

To any of my friends, best friends, associates you have all been in my life for a reason at some stage because it has been needed whether it be for myself or for you, I would like to say thank you to each and everyone of you for helping learn, grow, and remind me that I needed that lesson, talk, activity or life skill at that particular time in my life and thank you for contributing to that.

To all my ex’s who have put me through hell and you have all taught me that the world needs less of you in the world because no one should have to put up with the abuse, whether it be emotionally, psychically, mental, financially there is no need to put anyone through that it does not make you big and it certainly does not make you clever or hard either. But thank you for teaching me the lessons you have taught me.

I also know that I have not been the best person either and that it is not everyone else that has been in my life, fault. I know I have not been the best parent and that I have let my children down countless of times. That I have let family and also friends down when they have needed me, but I have also been there when it has really mattered also. I know that my mental health has played a big part in some of my relationship break down with friends and family but they did not stick around when I needed them the most either. I am discovering a lot of myself and I am still finding my feet about myself. Hoping that if and when I come round from this operation I will still be able to continue to do so.

If I do survive this and I am able to write another blog after this one then I have been given another chance to show and shine what I have to offer this world and I will still of meant every word I have written this week. Because sometimes we need to let how we feel and our honesty out because if we do not how is anyone else to know how they have Made you feel?

If you are not happy, if you are somewhere or with someone you do not want to be or with then move on do something about it because no one else can change anything only you. You are the change, you are worth everything, you are who you are because that is who you want to be. Do not let anything stand in your way. Shine your brightest and speak up and be honest with yourself, and take one step at a time.

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