3rd week of June

To continue from last weeks blog of finding my root cause of why I have been like I have.

With me doing the counselling course I am finding that I have a lot to undo from growing up and most of it is a walk in the park but others are going to be a tough nut to crack. I know that I will get through each stage and I know I will become stronger and I know that it is going to be a long road and a lot of self discovery but this blog helps me to be able to going back over of how I once was to how far I have come.

Another thing that I have had to deal with is trust and this has been a big issue with me even from been little. I only had my mum, my step-dad and siblings in my life when I was growing up because did not really get to see other family members. Now I do not know why that is because my mum would always tell us who is who through pictures and what not but we never really saw them once my brothers was born. Part of me thinks this was down to my step-dad been controlling and abusive towards us all and did not trust my mum going anywhere without him or he would start an argument and it would always lead to been physical towards my mum.

So this did not help me with my trust towards men because I always thought that was how a relationship worked. It did not help that these were the relationships I entered into because like I said in my last post I thought it was normal. But to later find out that this is not the case. I do have a hard time trusting anyone and not just men.

The reason for this is because, I have people abuse my trust and turn their back on me when I needed it the most. For example when I was been abused my daughters father and I was walking to my mums house with my daughter in the pushchair and he chased after me and pinned me to a tree and said that I was not allowed to take my daughter anywhere without his say so, and took my daughter back with him and I went to my mums crying my eyes out. At first she was fuming and stormed down to the house and returned about an hour later and said I was to stop making up lies and to stop been a pathetic little girl. This was just the first of many things that I would have to face, been made out to be a lier and this was later used against me in court.

The one person I needed more than anything turned her back on me just so she could keep the peace. This started more so when she chose my step-dad when things weren’t going in his favour and she told me I either sort myself out or leave and then again when everything kicked of with my daughters dad so she could still see her grandchild, and I was left to defend for myself saying “you made your bed now lie in it”. Definitely not what you want to hear when you are having to with an abusive partner, and wanting my mum thinking she would be there for me no matter what. Not to recently she has done the same again, only this time it is with my grandchild and daughter, and I got I am sorry but I am not going through what I have just gone through with your brother. Now I made out I was not bother but in actual fact it was like history repeating itself.

Yes she is very vocal and can always speak before she thinks of the consequences of who it will affect and this is her downfall, because as long as she gets what she wants and is happy it does not matter who it is going to hurt, I do understand some of reasons but not all of them and this is something I think she needs to work on, but that is just me. Do not get me wrong I love my mum zillions but there are somethings I do not agree on but I am always to afraid of to tell her and I do not know why? Maybe afraid of the arguments, the confrontation and the fall out because that is all it has ever been growing up, and you get to a point you can not take anymore and I am at that point. I know that it will be the same this time but that is not on me.

So as you can see I do not trust easily, because I have not been around it and have to learn to trust and it has been a long road and I am still on that road. But I have learnt a lot about myself and I know a lot of people will either agree or disagree and I know for certain my mum will either fallout with me or not talk to me for months, yet again because of what I am writing but this just proves my point (sorry mum). Yes maybe I should of talked to my mum about all this but as much as I love my mum I am also afraid of her (this I am still trying find the actual root cause of).

Will this blog here for now and carry this on, on the next one as there are a few other things I will be sharing and yes maybe it is wrong to be sharing so much personal stuff about myself but for me this is my release and helps more than i would of thought possible. Thank you for reading, and wanting to get to know me better.

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