This week I talk about emptiness.
Not the feeling of been empty when you are hungry but the kind that makes you feel hollow. The kind that no matter what you try to fill it with, you just can not fill it.
I started noticing this feeling of emptiness when I started doing my counselling journey. Back then I could not put a name or feeling to what I was feeling or why I was feeling it until now. I do not know if it is because I am learning a lot about myself, through self reflecting, or whether it is because my sub-conscious state is coming through or whether it is because I am laid up and have nothing else to think about but myself and my feelings and what they mean to me.
Since writing last weeks blog, I think it has set off a chain reaction within myself. I can not help this empty feeling I have or what has caused it or why but I feel hollow and empty in this area of my body and my mind. It is almost like I have a piece missing of myself like a jigsaw piece. It is in the pit of my stomach and it has gotten bigger over the last few weeks. The more I look into it the bigger it gets to the point of it almost consuming me.
I know I am supposed to be doing something with my life because 12 years ago I was given something and I have done nothing but waste time and now I can not think what it was I am supposed to be doing with my life. I know I am on the right track, because everything feels right, but, I just can not think what the rest is.
Some of you will know what I mean and others will be skeptical, others will think I am losing my mind and you could be right, I could be. But ask yourself what is my purpose? What am I here to do? This is where my emptiness come from because I do not know my purpose or what I am meant to do with this second chance I was given.
I have always had this empty feeling since I was a child but have always put it to the back of my mind and today I was talking to my partner about it and he thinks I am looking to much into it and should except it for what it is. How can I when it is constantly nagging at me. How am I supposed to fill something that has been growing for so long? I know that I am in the right direction with my life because everything points that way.
Even writing this blog does not seem to make sense right now because of how I am feeling even when I re-read it back to myself I am understanding what I am saying but, it is just making the emptiness, well there. Out in the open. Exposed. Vulnerable.