3rd week of October

Well I am still here whoop whoop.

And no doubt I really peeved a few people off in my last post but I really could not give a monkeys anymore. Seen as no one really thought about how it makes me feel at the time of certain things happening in my live and thought they could screw me over and think that I would be ok with it!! Not any more!! Also, I am shocked at how many of my actual so called friends and family have actually contacted me since coming out of hospital. My vanlife friends have made more of an effort than you!! If anything it has shown me just how much I mean to the people who you are supposed to matter to. So what if you have got stuff going on, how many times have I messaged you when you have been at the bottom?? How many times have I gone out of my way to make sure you have been supported?? Every god time time!!!! Isn’t it funny how I am now becoming to realise that I do not need people like you in my life who suck everything I have to offer out of me and then do not give it back in return when I am in need of it. You can call me what ever names you want to because lets face it you have called me them plenty of times in the past whether to my face or behind my back and they no longer hurt anymore. They no longer cut me anymore. You no longer have power over me with any words or actions you take because it is nothing you haven’t done plenty of times before.

Since doing a lot of work on myself I have realised just how much of a people pleaser I was and how much it meant for people to like me regardless of how it actually made me feel. Like I have kept my mouth shut and swallowed my feelings or my opinions and kept them to myself so that way I would not hurt or make them feel bad but in actual fact all it did was make me feel bad and hurt myself because that person has come back later on and said “why did you not say anything to me at the time?” and then made me to be the bad guy for not saying anything. I know it is different when it is someone else’s story to tell and someone has told you in confidence and that you do not say anything to anyone because like I said it is not my story. But this is my story, and I am now telling who ever would like to listen and read this story of the struggles with my mental health and how the people in my life whether they have been a permanent or temporary fixture in my life, have contributed to it.

I have had to do a lot of forgiving of myself and a lot of finding the roots of these feelings and I know I still have a long way to go and still a lot of sorting through some personal issues but I know where I want to be and I know how to get there, I also know a lot of people are not going to like it or not be in my life anymore and that is ok because that is not on me that is on you because you can no longer push me or test me any longer. Some might find this been obnoxious or just plain out right rude and disrespectful but is if you are been true to yourself? As I see it I have been disrespectful to myself all these years and now that I am respecting myself you do not like it?? Why is that??

As I work through these issues and find out the theories behind these past issues and why, I am learning a lot about that I am the way I am because that is how I have been moulded by other people and I have let them thinking that was what you did, but I now know that, that is not the case. I am slowly finding my true self and that is powerful on it’s own.

I am also finding out that, I am not just kind and funny but I am also intelligent in some areas. I am also learning that it is ok to be ruthless every once in a while because this helps to find your feet because how do you know yourself if you do not try all areas and you just keep the ones you like and be like ok I do not like these ones but that is ok. I have acknowledged these areas and that is good I know it is.

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