4th week of October

It is halloween week and even though it is my favourite time I am not able to do anything or go anywhere.

I have done a lot of reading this week and I am still trying to figure out what theories everything connects to. I am still learning a lot about myself and what my triggers are and how they effect who I am as a person. I still have a lot of feelings that I need to resolve with myself and why certain things still trigger me. Like why I get angry over certain things that I do not need to get angry over.

My thoughts tend to be all over at the minute and it does not help that I am laid up and able to think a lot of the time. I am in a lot of pain in my tummy still and every time I move I get this sharp pain in my right side. Like when you have been running and you get a stitch, but it is constantly. It hurts so much every time I move. Even the pain killers I am on do not help sometimes.

It is funny how, I am able to relate certain areas of my life to certain things or points in my life and I have dealt with some of them as you have read previously, and I know that I have still got a long way to go, but at least I am on the right track to healing and connecting.

Do you know when you dream and it feels real and then you wake up and think oh my god that felt so real, well my life feels like I am in a dream right now but, the only thing is, is that I have not woke up. Well it feels that way. the reason I feel like this, is because I have always had to fight to be noticed, to be accepted, to be loved, to be myself. How can someone be their self when the foundations are not strong. IT was not always this way there was a time in my life were everything was good and I was accepted, I felt loved.

I know that times are changing and things are different now to be a parent than it was when I was growing up and I understand that everyone had their own way of bringing a child up back when I was born. I also know that how I was brought up was different to how my mum was brought up and how my grandma was brought up and so on and so forth. Even now it is different again to how I brought my children up.

I have come to realise that my feelings and how I deal with them are my own doing and that the more I go deeper into them, the more I am understanding myself. I am shocked by some of things I am finding out and some of the things I am like, oh that makes sense, why did I see that earlier? I am also asking why a lot.

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