First week of April

Wanted to walk up Roseberry Topping, but body had other ideas and only made it to half way point, so glad I did as the view from here was just as phenomenal .

Well the month has started off to a great start, with things been sorted between me and my life partner, and I have now got a good relationship with my Mum.

As lockdown starts to look like we are having a light at the end of the tunnel as everything starts to ease and that we can start to see family and friends again (social distant) but I have also had my covid jab (1st one) and have been fine and had no side effects from it, which I was quite surprised as you hear so many horror stories about it and I am now just wondering if it is all just scare monger? but everyone has their own opinions about it all.

I decided to go to Roseberry Topping and realised that I am unfit and would need to train my body to be able to climb stuff like that, I thought I was going to collapse with not been able to breathe, but since then I have decided to stop smoking and start taking my body seriously and get into better shape, I am hoping to start this with doing at least an hours walking a day and the good thing about it is my fur baby is going to love it.

She lighted up the room when Lee smiled, even though I only saw her on tv, her energy was remarkable and I could feel that through the tv, may you rest in peace, and hope your family and everyone who knew you on a personal level finds peace too because to me you were blessed

Also the last few weeks I have been feeling a sense of lost as someone I do not know but felt like I knew her through her blog and that of Eamon and Bec, Lee took her life and the wave of loss over come me because I understood what she was going through and how hard it is to fight depression and to keep going and look on the positive side of life, and to me she was an inspiration, I do not know the full story of what happen, but the loss was unreal, it has never been something I have felt before and it shifted something inside of me, I can not describe it, but the fight to stay alive is stronger, as you have to fight everyday that wave of ending everything when you are in that place of darkness and feel no way out apart from ending the pain that you feel, when someone says something and you take it heart and ask yourself loads of questions and can not get out of that rut, I know the place all to well over the last 2-3 years and I think that is why I felt this loss more than I thought I would and my heart goes out to her family and all of her closest friends #speakupforLee I send you my deepest sympathy, and condolences.

Anyway on a lighter note I finally am getting to understand who I am and what I want out of the rest of my life, and that I am worth something to someone and that someone is myself, I am slowly learning to love myself again and I am slowly learning to love who I am as a person.

I am now loving life again and I have now got what I want to do with my life and where I want to go and I can not wait for the journey to beginning properly. I have started this journey already and I am doing a lot of inner child work and also learning at college doing my Level Two Counselling, I have now found a hobby I am enjoying also and it is something that I can enjoy with my life partner and also with his son as he has got into to, just bad side to it is that it is an expensive hobby but something that I can do for the rest of my life.

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