Having no feelings

At the minute I do not feel, I can not empathise with anyone.

As it is coming up to Christmas I should be getting excited about it but instead I am dreading it, because it will be my last Christmas with both my kids under one roof, yes I know they will still come round and what not but it is not going to be the same.

I should feel in the Christmas mood but I am not, I still have not put my tree up and nor do I want tobut I will at some point because it is Christmas.

I do not feel joy or happiness I do not feel anything right now I can not explain what is going on with me right now, all I know is that I want to sleep and I want to be left alone, to hibernate for the winter and ope that when I wake I feel somewhat ok.

I can not feel anything for anyone right now, I have forgotten how to, I have forgotten what it is like to feel anything for anyone, I have let so many people down that it has comsumed me in to a pit that I can not get out of.

I do not want pitty or to feel like I am a burden to anyone, how can I love when I do not even love myself? How can I be happy for someone when I do not feel happy for myself? How am I suppose to support someone when I can not support myself?

Everything I do or say is going to be the wrong thing anyway so why make the effort? Maybe I do need to see someone maybe I do not but right now I am hollow and empty, running on the last fumes I have left.

Everything is just blending into one day and night, night and day, not really eating because I do not feel hungry but eating just keep everyone off my back, not really messaging anyone because it is better to be silent than have to explain what I am doing or thinking or feeling.

Everything is to much to deal with, everything is to much hard work.

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