The month of March

This has been a funny month. Started my volunteering and then started back at college.

Half way through the month, my mental health kicked in. It was triggered by something that I can not really talk about. But it affected me in a big way and all I wanted and needed, was not there for me in that moment. It made me think about how much I rely on this person and how that could be a huge burden on them. When I was trying to ring to this person and them not answering and I sat there and thought about the last few years. I then was able to get through to someone else. Who I have known for years and she picked up and even though she struggles herself, she was there.

I know that my volunteering job is tough and what happened is what we are there to do but it was a shock to the system and all my feelings consumed me and was overwhelmed by them. In a sense I had to deal with these feelings by myself because how are others to know what is going on if I can not tell them what happens because of data protection and confidentiality.

So I think I might need to get some Counselling while I am going deep into this volunteering and wanting to become a counsellor myself I think I am going to need to protect myself on a deeper level. Not just for that I think I need it for a deeper level as something is sitting with me and I do not know what it is.

As the month comes to an end I am finding that my mental health is seeping through again and I am not sure why. I not sure if it is because I am having to find all my triggers with becoming a counsellor and it is becoming hard to face them I do not know. I feel out of sorts with myself again and struggling to keep it all together with myself. Does anyone else feel like this with their mental health?

Everything is going great in my life. I am just waiting for the crash as it always comes when things get good and look like they are perfect so just sitting here waiting for that moment to happen. If it doesn’t I will be surprised.

Everything just feels alien to me, like I am not in my own body or mind because of how good my life is going. I feel like I am looking at this through a mirror and thinking I wish my life was like that but yet it is my life and it is hard to understand what is going on. It is like the part of me that is falling apart is in a mirrored box, and is screaming at the top of her lungs trying to get out and the person outside of that box looks composed and normal like she has everything in order.

How am I supposed to get through this without ducking it up along the way. I really want to become a counsellor, but how am I supposed to do that when I feel like this?

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