Why am I suffering??

I have asked myself this question a million times.

As you ar all aware from my some of my previous posts that I have suffered with this for a very long time and in one of my first posts I gave you a rough time-line of my life, of what has happened to me over time but have done it more from leaving school.

Every day is a constant battle, waking up every day was like I do not want to wake, I want to stay in bed and not do anything, today I did not get up till dinner time because I did not have the strength to want to get up.

I am emotionally drained, and I feel numb from everything, I can not feel that meaning of myself, I am always sad and crying all the time, I feel alone in my own thoughts, I am afraid to speak out, to say how I really feel, I am afraid to be me, I am afraid of me.

My head is spinning, my heart heavy, my chest tight, my body not obeying me, my mind in overdrive, the need to be here but not be here, the numbness and pain all colliding at once, it is too much.

The feeling of overwhelming but yet not able to feel it, knowing what I should be doing but not finding the energy to do it. Every word I say does not seem to have meaning, every word said to me has no depth, every word thought just disappearing before it gets spoken.

The wave of it all washing over me as one full hit after another, and repeating over and over again, understanding what is going on but yet not paying attention to any of it, the tingling of having to go to the shop and the feeling of been watched with every move, making paranoia creep in at the seams, judging you, saying things you know are not true but you still believe them anyway.

This is what I feel every day and more one day will come and one day I will find that strength, but for now I will try to continue on my path and see where it takes me, because that one day will eventually become day one.

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