2022

Month of May

Well I had my 40th last month and well I think I was hoping for to much from those around me to be honest.

When my partner asked what I wanted for my birthday months ago I told of 2 things that I wanted and now I feel let down slightly by him to be fair. My reason because I do not ask for anything, I am appreciative of everyhting I get regardless what it is or who it is from, but this year I got my hopes up about many things for my 40th and was disappointed with myself for doing so. What did I want, A mini rc crawler and a new apple watch. Got my mini crawler months ago because my partner wanted one 2. Did I get the watch no, I got an e-bike and as much as I appreciate the gesture from my partner and his mum, they have bought without thinking. I have arthritis in my spine so yes this is great for getting around and getting me back into shape but what do I do when I can no longer ride it? Plus I have had 3 bikes in the last few years and only rode them a handful of times because I do not feel safe riding a bike. But as usual noone has listened to me about this or paid attention to the fact I did not want a bike for many reasons. Even when his mum said about getting me one for my birthday a few months ago I said no it is not what I want as I would not ride it much. So now I feel I have to go out on this e-bike just so they do not feel like they have wasted their money.

With all this now in my mind I am like why do I always go out of my way to get the best for someone when they can not even do the same in return? Why do I get my hopes up for them to be shattered into a million pieces. I am easliy pleased and the simple things in life please me. Like a walk in the woods or on the beach, but when someone asks you what you want and you tell them, surely you get what you asked for or something to that affect?

Yes I am upset and no I haven’t spoken to my partner about this because he would say I am been ungrateful, or unreasonable or something. Even though he asked me what I wanted and told both him and his mum about what I wanted. Maybe i asked for too much and I know now that I am not going to put in that effort any more. What is the point of trying when no one can be bothered in return. Yes these are my feelings, and yes I expected more from those around me who I thought listened.

Meet up with some good friends which was sooooo needed, relaxed and chatty felt like it was just what we needed after having a few busy weeks. We also went to go see Jeff Dunham at Leeds which was epic and laughed from start to finish. Would definitely go see him again.

On a plus note I have attended my college interview for my degree, and have been accepted ready for September and all the finance is sorted so now all I have to do is attend when I get my start date woo hoo. Feeling so proud of myself right now. Cannot wait to start and continue my journey of myself and start to understand what is behind been a counsellor.

I cannot believe on how far I have come since starting my blog. I have gone back and re read one or two and wow, it is hard to believe that is how I felt almost 2 years ago and on just how low I have been. Do not get me wrong I still have some low days but they are no where as bad as they were back then.

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